Learn the art of buying a car for yourself which pisses everyone else off.
My Midlife Crisis, The Tale of Buying a Car Just for Me
Let’s Rip The Selfish Car Buyer Story Open
Introduction
There comes a time in every man’s life when he realizes he needs something just for himself. A little slice of heaven on four wheels that screams, “This is MY time!” For me, that moment arrived on an otherwise unremarkable Tuesday afternoon. I found myself at a car dealership, surrounded by shiny new vehicles, and I decided to take the plunge. Little did I know that my decision to buy a car would not only spark joy in my heart but also unleash a tsunami of outrage from my wife, kids, and pretty much anyone within a 50-mile radius.
The Birth of a Dream and Subsequent Stress
It all started innocently enough. I was browsing the internet, as one does when avoiding chores, when I stumbled upon a car ad. It wasn’t just any car ad—it was for a sleek, sporty Porsche Cayman and a pretty chic, a completely impractical vehicle that immediately spoke to my soul. “You need this,” it whispered seductively. “Forget the family van. Forget the budget. Forget your wife’s opinion. This is about YOU.”
I tried to resist the temptation, but who was I kidding? The dream was born, and it was a beautiful one. In my mind, I was already cruising down the highway, windows down, wind in my hair (or what’s left of it), looking every bit the part of a middle-aged man desperately clinging to the remnants of his youth. It was perfect. I am a Porsche owner.
I would have bought a sick dog on a chain from this dazzler
I gave her a tip. Next time get that hair out from your teeth as I would have paid more. My god what sort of meat has hair like that?
The Test Drive With Her
Of course, I couldn’t just go out and buy the car without a test drive. That would be irresponsible, right? So, I made an excuse about needing to “run an errand” and headed to the dealership. The salesman (Lady, Gal), sensing my vulnerability, wasted no time in putting me behind the wheel of my dream car.
Find Your Car In Japan
As soon as I hit the gas pedal, I knew I was in trouble. The car roared to life, and I felt a rush of adrenaline that I hadn’t experienced since my college days. It was like meeting an old friend, except this friend was made of metal, had a Flat 6 engine, and a price tag that could feed a small village for a year.
I took the car for a spin, and it was everything I imagined. The handling was tight, the acceleration was exhilarating, and the envy of every other driver on the road was palpable. I was hooked. There was no turning back now. Fucking hard to keep my eyes on the road.
Not anything tonight for you Mr and maybe tomorrow
Was it all really worth it. Ask the sales lady.
Breaking the News to the Family
The hardest part of buying a car for yourself is, without a doubt, breaking the news to your family. I knew this wasn’t going to go over well, but I was prepared. Or so I thought.
I started with my wife. Over dinner, I casually mentioned that I’d “been thinking about getting a new car.” She looked at me suspiciously, as if I had just suggested we sell the kids to buy a yacht.
“What kind of car?” she asked, her tone already laced with judgment.
“Oh, you know, just something… different,” I replied, trying to sound nonchalant.
She didn’t buy it for a second. “Different how?”
“Well, it’s a bit sporty, and it might not have as much room as the van, but…” Its like a Porsche, kinda.
Her eyes narrowed. “How much not as much room?”
“Like, maybe it doesn’t technically have a back seat. Or a trunk. Or a place to put the groceries. But it’s really fun to drive and you will love it!”
The silence that followed was deafening. I could feel her disapproval radiating across the table. And then she dropped the bombshell.
“You bought it, didn’t you?”
Caught red-handed, I did what any man in my position would do—I lied. “No, no, of course not! I was just thinking about it.” Fuck fuck fuck.
She wasn’t fooled. “You bought it. And when the kids find out, you’re going to have to explain why you spent their college fund on a car that can’t even fit them.” Tough times ahead.
This is what happens when Hobbits get angry
In too deep: Its my fucking car now
The Children’s Revolt
Breaking the news to the kids was like detonating a nuclear bomb in the living room. At first, they were excited at the prospect of a new car. But when they saw it—the sleek, shiny, two-seater Cayman that could barely fit a backpack—they realized they’d been duped.
“Dad, where are we supposed to sit you fucker?” my oldest asked, eyeing the car with a mixture of awe and disdain.
“Well, you see,” I began, trying to keep the excitement in my voice, “this car isn’t really about sitting. It’s about… driving. And having fun.”
My youngest burst into tears. “You don’t love us any more you fuck head!” she wailed, clinging to my leg as if I were about to drive off into the sunset and never return.
“Of course, I love you! I just thought it would be nice to have a car that, you know, makes me happy.”
“Isn’t that what the dog is for?” my son quipped, clearly not impressed.The dog was not impressed either.
And that’s how I found myself, the proud owner of a Cayman that I wasn’t sure I’d be allowed to drive without being shunned by my own family. Fuck em.
Fuck you and fuck your horse
Go and piss on his car
The Neighbors Weigh In
If you think the disapproval of your immediate family is bad, just wait until your neighbors get wind of your new purchase. As soon as I pulled into the driveway, the neighborhood watch committee (which apparently includes everyone within a three-house radius) descended upon me.
“Nice car,” Mr. Arsehole from next door said, his tone suggesting it was anything but. “Planning on reliving your glory days?”
“Something like that,” I replied, trying to muster up some bravado.
“Must be nice to have a car you can’t drive in the snow,” Mrs. Arsehole chimed in. “Or in the rain. Or with children. Or groceries.”
I nodded politely, realizing that my new car had officially made me the talk of the neighborhood—and not in a good way.
Hey the family may hate you for being selfish but the cute chick at 38B wont
Afternoon delight until I realized the maintenance fee attached to 38B. Fuck it was more than the Porsche and a hooker!
The Silver Lining
Despite the backlash, the judgmental stares, and the tears from my children, I have to admit that buying that car was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Sure, I may never hear the end of it from my wife. And yes, my kids now refer to it as “Dad’s midlife crisis mobile.” But when I’m behind the wheel, none of that matters and chicks love me.
Another Interesting Article
In those brief moments of solitude, as I zip down the road with the wind in my hair and a grin on my face, I am truly happy. And isn’t that what life is all about?
So, to anyone out there considering a selfish, impractical purchase that will likely piss off everyone you know just do it. Embrace the chaos. Live a little. Just be prepared to spend the rest of your life explaining why the back seat is permanently off-limits.
My very best regards
Joseph Stepford – The selfish car buyer
Footnote on Dads midlife crisis
10 interesting items that often come up when talking about a dad’s midlife crisis and why they’re interesting:
- Buying a sports car: Dads often feel the need to reclaim their youth by purchasing a flashy car, only to realize they still can’t fit into the tight leather seats.
- Dad jokes: The sudden increase in dad jokes, no matter how bad they are, is a classic sign. “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.”
- Changing careers: Suddenly deciding to pursue a long-lost dream job, like becoming a rock star or an artist, even if it’s just a hobby.
- Gym obsession: Joining a gym and trying to keep up with the younger crowd, only to end up on the treadmill watching TV.
- Fashion makeover: Trying out new, often questionable, fashion trends like wearing a leather jacket or a flat-brimmed hat.
- Traveling: Planning extravagant trips to “find themselves,” which often end up being more about relaxation than self-discovery.
- Tech gadgets: Getting the latest tech gadgets and trying to impress the kids with their “cool” new phone or smartwatch.
- Midlife romance: Flirting with younger people or rekindling old flames, often leading to awkward encounters.
- Home improvement projects: Taking on DIY projects that end up looking like a Pinterest fail.
- Social media presence: Suddenly becoming very active on social media, posting about their “new life” and seeking validation through likes and comments.
These items are funny because they highlight the sometimes absurd lengths people go to in an attempt to deal with the changes and uncertainties that come with midlife. It’s a way to cope with aging by embracing the humor in the situation. Or simply drink more bud
